Humor & Wit

"He is so insecure he can't go to a football game — because every time they get in a huddle, he thinks they're talking about him."

"He is so tall he could go goose hunting with a rake."

"Was I nervous? You couldn't drive a straight pin up my butt with a sledgehammer."

"I was so confused I didn't know if I was winding my butt or scratching my watch."

"I'd rather have a cold water enema than have to do that again."

"I've known him since Moby Dick was a minnow."

"My old buddy Van has never met a mirror he didn't like."

"I'm not saying he's conceited — but I am saying he's convinced."

"I've got underwear older than most of the people in my office."

"I got a buddy who doesn't know much — and doesn't even suspect anything."

"At our meeting we didn't have enough people in the room to have an argument."

"Big said one of his buddies fell out of the dumbass tree and hit every branch on the way down."

""How are you doing?" Translation: Please say good so we can move on."

"When you got more doctors than you have friends, you're getting pretty close to the old dirt nap."

"When you know your doctors better than your neighbors — you might be closer to the end than you think."

"My friend Buddy Ray told us he took his wife Peggie for better or worse — but he didn't say for all day."

"Like a trapped rat — the hell with the cheese, he just wants out of the trap."

"The only thing worse than paying income tax is not having an income."

"That's high as a giraffe's ass on a ladder."

"Now I'm not saying Robert Earl is overweight — but he says when he gets his boots shined, he has to take the guy's word for it."

"Gary Fred's biggest accomplishment in life was enrolling in college. Next year he's actually going to go."

"Gary Fred told his kids he made the Dean's List — unfortunately it was the Dean of Men."

"My buddy Burl wanted to open Burl's Bait and Sushi Shack. His slogan: "You can smell us before you can see us.""

"About as useless as shooting a BB gun at an elephant."

"I told someone I was in the fourth quarter of the game. He said — face it Ken, they already announced the two-minute warning."

"I am still kicking — maybe not as high as I used to."

"Getting old dang sure beats the alternative."

"I thought the National Honor Society was part of English Royalty."

"I always thought PhD stood for Piled Higher and Deeper."

"I took psychology in college and figured out the secret to passing — just pick the opposite of whatever I thought the answer was on the test."

"I am so hungry I am scared."

"A consultant asks you for your watch so they can tell you what time it is."

"When you see some families, it probably makes you feel a whole lot better about yours."

"You ever go to a family reunion and want to start trimming the family tree back?"

"Let's face it — when your kids get their AARP card, you are no longer considered middle age."

"Funerals in the South are actually funny — when someone dies, everyone brings food. The widow is crying as she eats a Chicken Fried Steak."

"That old boy is so strong he could bench press a Buick."

"He was such a bad shot he couldn't hit a parked car with a shotgun."

"We were hunting in West Texas on a Sunday morning when the guys started unloading their guns. I said — what are y'all doing? They said — we're trying to beat the Baptists to Dairy Queen."

"That old boy eats like he's going to the electric chair in the morning."

"That meal is so good it'd make a rabbit hug a hound."

"I'm full as a tick on a collie dog."

"I ate so much even my shadow looks heavier."

"He saw the sign that said Fine for Parking — so he thought that was a real nice compliment."

"He came from a town so small the welcome sign and the farewell sign were on the same post."

"I'm so full I'll need a forklift and a prayer to get out of this chair."

"You know what's better than paying taxes? Having a job."

"Let's be honest. Not everybody is pulling for you."

"Do you bring people down or do you push them up? There's a big difference."

"Buckethead said he doesn't eat that much. I told him — well it's getting in there somehow."

"Buckethead announced he finally beat anorexia. The buffet confirmed it."

"Harry Dale finally gave in to the dentist calling him and said — what day you want me to drop my teeth off to you?"

"Harry Dale told his kids — if they get any money when he dies it will be because he miscalculated."

"Nervous as a pregnant nun."

"There's no such thing as a little bit pregnant — or a little bit honest."

"Let her rip tater chip."

"Old boy is like a lost ball in the high grass."

"He set out to find himself and got lost on the way."

"He was so far behind he thought he was first."

"He couldn't find water if he fell out of a boat."

"That would make a preacher cuss and a sinner pray."

"Hossfly Higgins always said — hard work never killed anybody. But why take the chance?"

"Bear said, “I was smooth as a gravy sandwich.”"

"Every crow thinks its baby is the blackest."

"Don't let the tail wag the dog."

"Good fences make good neighbors."

"My wife says I can't hear thunder."

"My wife says I need a hearing aid. I say I need a quieter wife."

"What most old people really need is a good ironing."

"I've got wrinkles that have their own zip codes."

"My face has more lines than a Texas road map."

"I got wrinkles that can hold 5 gallons of water if I'm out in the rain."

"At my age the only pressing issue left is finding someone to press me."

"I don't have wrinkles — I have deeply committed character lines."

"Getting old is not for the faint of heart — or the easily ironed."

"I've earned every single one of these wrinkles — some of them cost me considerably."

"They say age is just a number. Mine is unlisted."

"I'm not old. I'm a classic. And classics need a little more maintenance."

"She has been in a bad mood for 52 years — doesn't look like she is going to outgrow it."

"You ever been around someone that is just unhappy all the time? You just want to ask where she parks her broom."

"The kind of person a bar would ask to leave so they could have Happy Hour."

"A griping person is like a skunk at a picnic — everybody knows he's there and nobody wants to stay."

"Will Rogers said he never met a man he didn't like. Apparently Will and I didn't travel in the same circles."

"I just keep finding the ones Will missed."

"Life is too short to be that unhappy — and too long to make everyone else suffer for it."

"A smile costs nothing. Apparently she was on a tight budget."

"Spandex is a privilege not a right."

"I had one goal in life — don't die young. So far so good."

"Save your ailments for your doctor. Save I'm fine for everyone else."

"How are you? is a greeting. Not an invitation."

"Nobody who asks how are you is prepared for an honest answer."

"The older you get the longer the honest answer gets — so most folks just say fine."

"If people really wanted to know how you were doing — they'd sit down first."

"There are two answers to how are you — the honest one and the one people actually want to hear."

"I finally asked her where she parked her broom — she didn't think it was funny. I did."

"Hard work never killed anyone — but laziness has buried a few."

"Looks like they're trying to put twenty pounds of sugar in a five pound bag."

"We were so poor, we couldn't even afford to pay attention."

"We didn't have a lot growing up — but we didn't know it, because nobody told us."

"I will beat sparks out of your butt if you do that again."

"My tired is hanging out."

"Most grown-ups are just kids who figured out how to fake it convincingly. You're closer than you think."

"You can be right, or you can be married. Most nights, you can't be both."

"When everybody's running away from something, at least you should walk over and take a look at it."

"Happy as a pig in slop."

"Buckethead used to have to book his haircut two hours in advance — that's how much hair he had to deal with."

"My buddy Hossfly said his brother was about as sharp as a marble. He said it would take his brother an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes."

"That old boy was lost as an egg at last year's Easter egg hunt."

"Buckethead's barber was cutting his hair one day and suddenly just stopped and sat down. Buckethead asked what was wrong. The barber said, "This is a big old head.""

"Some would even gripe if you offered to hang them with a new rope."

"Happy wife, happy life."

"That old boy right there had money since it was invented."

"Old boy was so lazy he couldn't wear a self-winding watch."

"Nobody fails if you did your best."

"That old boy has more guts than a high diver."

"He is definitely not the brightest bulb on the tree."

"He thought OPEC was a country."

"Most people have more than what they use."

"That old boy has a whole lot of quit in him."

"That old boy is bad to lie."

"She was so upset she took to the bed."

"I'll be there directly."

"She is the straw that stirs the drink."

"The next time he does something honestly will be the first time."

"Cute as a speckled puppy."

"Quiet as a church mouse."

"When they said they were giving out brains, he must have thought they said rain and ran for cover."

"If they were giving out brains that day, he must have been absent."

"It's hotter than a two-dollar pistol out there."

"If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose."

"He's about as useful as a screen door on a submarine."

"She's madder than a wet hen."

"That truck's been rode hard and put away wet."

"He talks a lot, but he ain't said nothing yet."

"This town is so small the city limit signs are back to back."

"Don't squat with your spurs on."

"He thinks if you get bit by one dog, then all dogs bite."

"You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits."

"Talk about a bad cook — she can burn water."

"Older than dirt and twice as dusty."

"That food would gag a maggot."

"She could get in an argument with an empty room."

"He's so broke he couldn't pay attention."

"It's so hot the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs."

"So skinny he'd have to stand twice to make a shadow."

"He couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel."

"The wheel's spinning but the hamster's gone."

"Bless his heart, he's about two bricks shy of a full load."

"That old boy doesn't have a receding hairline — he has a retreating one."

"That old boy is so old he was in Ronald Reagan's Boy Scout troop."

"She eats so much it looks like they're getting her ready for a 4-H project."

"He got a tan from opening the refrigerator so much last month."

"Joanie gave Harry Dale the same anniversary card three years in a row. He didn't know until she told him. A real romantic at heart."

"Regina got even with Earl. For his birthday she got him a hair dryer. Earl doesn't have a hair on his head."

"Hossfly said he got hit Saturday night at the VFW Hall with a drunk front."

"Looks like they were trying to get 20 pounds of potatoes into a 5 pound bag."

"They managed me with reverse psychology."

"They say I took a shine to that pretty girl."

"He's so country he thinks "gourmet" is a brand of cattle feed."

"A good rancher can fix anything with baling wire, duct tape, and a few choice words."

"He's so country he thinks a salad bar is something you tie up your horse to."

"He's so country his idea of fine dining is a clean tailgate."

"He's so country he thinks valet parking means leaving the keys in the truck."

"Favorite beverage of choice for the good old boys in Muleshoe, Texas is "cold and free.""

"So hungry I could eat the sock off a Russian foot shower."

"The only difference between his son and his dog — the boy is taller, but the dog is smarter."

"The best way to keep from saying something stupid or crazy — don't say it."

"Common sense ain't so common anymore — and the price has gone up."

"If common sense were a cold, half the world couldn't catch it."

"At my age, wisdom and forgetfulness start to look alike."

"If I knew at 25 what I know now, I'd have scared myself half to death."

"Young people are like puppies — full of energy, no sense of direction, and convinced they're right."

"He's all hat, no cattle, and a borrowed horse."

"Some folks are like a blister — they show up after all the work is done."

"She could start an argument in an empty house."

"Don't dig a hole you can't climb out of."

"You can tell a Texan, but you can't tell him much."

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I wasn't paying attention."

"If you lie down with dogs, don't be surprised when you get up with fleas."

"Pretty is as pretty does — and ugly goes clear to the bone."

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions and sorry excuses."

"He couldn't find his boots if they were on his feet."

"His wallet's got more moths than money."

"He squeezes a nickel so tight the buffalo hollers."

"She's as stubborn as a borrowed mule on a hot day."

"He'd argue with a fence post — and lose."

"He's been wrong so many times he's getting good at it."

"The next smart thing he says will be the first one."

"He opens his mouth and the words just fall out — none of them useful."

"At my age, I've seen it all, done most of it, and forgotten half of it."

"The older I get, the smarter my parents were."

"By the time you know all the answers, nobody's asking you the questions."

"I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up. Now if I could just remember what it was."

"Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment. So technically we're all just cycling through stupid on our way to smart."

"Common sense is so rare it ought to be classified as a superpower."

"The school of hard knocks has no summer break and charges full tuition."

"Experience is what you get right after you needed it."

"Some people bring joy wherever they go. Others bring joy whenever they go."

"He's the kind of man who lights up a room — by leaving it."

"Money can't buy happiness — but it sure makes misery more comfortable."

"Hard work pays off eventually. Laziness pays off right now."

"The problem with doing nothing is you never know when you're done."

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

"It's not the fall that kills you — it's the sudden stop at the end."

"The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off."

"I used to think I was indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."

"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you're looking for a club and a spade."

"A happy wife is a happy life. A happy husband is a miracle."

"My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life and she doesn't try to run mine. She runs both."

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."

"At my age, getting lucky means finding my car keys on the first try."

"My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So now I do it in front of a mirror."

"I've reached the age where my back goes out more than I do."

"My memory is so good I can remember things that never even happened."

"At my age, happy hour is a nap."

"Two things are infinite — the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe."

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"If at first you don't succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you."

"The easiest job in the world is giving advice. The hardest is taking it."

"Even a fish wouldn't get in trouble if he kept his mouth shut."

"You can't fix stupid, but you can vote it out."

"The bigger the hat, the smaller the ranch."

"Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand."

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

"Friends are the family you choose."

"A good friend knows all your stories. A best friend lived half of them with you."

"Anybody can be around when things are good. Show me who stays when things get hard."

"The older I get, the more I realize that a few good friends are worth more than a crowd of acquaintances."

"Some friendships are like good boots — they get more comfortable the longer you wear them."

"A friend who tells you the truth even when it hurts is worth ten who just tell you what you want to hear."

"Time and distance don't weaken a real friendship. You pick right back up where you left off."

"Loyal friends are rare. When you find one, hold on tight."

"You don't need a lot of friends. You just need the right ones."

"A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be sitting right next to you saying — that was worth it."

"Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food."

"A true friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked."

"My friends and I are the kind of crazy that can't be explained — only experienced."

"We've been friends so long I can't remember which one of us is the bad influence."

"Behind every great man is a best friend rolling his eyes."

"A day without laughter is a day wasted."

"Humor is the shock absorber of life. It helps you take the bumps."

"If you can laugh at yourself, you'll never run out of material."

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."

"A sense of humor is not a luxury — it's survival equipment."

"The person who can make you laugh on your worst day is worth keeping."

"At my age, I've earned the right to laugh at just about everything — including myself."

"If getting older has taught me anything, it's that nothing is quite as serious as you thought it was at the time."

"The older I get, the funnier my problems look in the rearview mirror."

"I laugh more now than I ever did when I was young. Turns out wisdom and a sense of humor arrive about the same time."

"You can cry about it or laugh about it. Either way it happened."

"Humor doesn't mean you don't take things seriously. It means you take yourself less seriously."

"The best thing about hitting rock bottom is there's nowhere to go but up — and at some point that becomes funny."

"Some days the only appropriate response is to laugh until you feel better or cry until you do. Either works."

"I've had days so bad the only sensible thing left to do was laugh."

"Find the people who make your stomach hurt from laughing. Hold onto them for dear life."

"A good laugh shared with the right person is one of the finest things in this life."

"Some people just make everything funnier by being in the room. Be that person."

"Never take life so seriously that you forget to enjoy it."

"The secret to a long life might just be a short memory and a long laugh."

"If you can find the humor in a situation, you haven't lost yet."

"Life is too short to be serious all the time. So if you can't laugh at yourself, call me — I will."

"In Texas, ‘bless your heart’ can mean anything from ‘I love you’ to ‘you poor stupid thing’ — and only the tone knows which."

"Down here we don’t tan — we rust."

"A Southern man will help you move a couch, a refrigerator, and a body — and never ask which one needed to disappear."

"In Texas, the speed limit is a suggestion and the turn signal is a rumor."

"We don’t hide crazy down South — we put it on the porch and give it sweet tea."

"A Texan’s directions: go down to where the old Johnson place used to be, turn left at the dead tree, and if you hit the river you went too far."

"Southern hospitality means we’ll feed you, hug you, and talk about you the minute you leave — all with equal enthusiasm."

"In Texas, ‘fixing to’ is a full action plan."

"You can always tell a Texan. You just can’t tell him much."

"Down South, we don’t gossip — we share prayer requests with a lot of detail."

"A Texas summer has two seasons: hot and hotter. And we love every sweaty minute of it."

"If you think Southern women are fragile, just try to get the last biscuit on the plate… I don’t think so!"

"When somebody dies in the South, you can gain 5 pounds before they bury them."

"Down here, the size of the ham you bring to the deceased’s home tells everybody exactly how much money you think you have."

"A Southern woman with a new outfit will walk in late to church and sit up front — every single time."

"Some folks believe a Baptist can have a drink — as long as they frown when it goes down."

"Quick as a hiccup."

"The camera always finds the one person who saw everything and can describe nothing."

"The tongue weighs nothing, but few folks can hold it."

"You can't unring a bell."

"The fish that got away was always the biggest."

"The truth don't need a long explanation."

"Some folks are educated beyond their intelligence."

"Don't judge folks by their relatives."

"Every path has a few puddles."

"It don't take a big man to carry a big grudge."

"Let the cat out of the bag a whole lot easier than putting it back in."

"The best sermons are lived, not preached."

"Never wrestle with a pig — you both get dirty and the pig likes it. — often attributed to George Bernard Shaw"

"Always hire a lazy man to do a hard job. He'll find an easy way to do it."

"Don't let yesterday eat up too much of today."

"The more you stir manure, the worse it stinks."

"Don't trust a skinny cook."

"A wise man learns from other people's mistakes. A fool learns from his own."

"Some folks are like a thunderstorm — when they're gone, it's a beautiful day."

"I had to think about retirement — if you never work, you never get a day off."

"You can't make a purse out of a sow's ear."

"They say life's a dance, but sometimes it looks like people can't hear the music."

"A good neighbor is worth more than a distant relative."

"We don't need a map. We need a miracle."

"Patience is a virtue — unless you're waiting on a slow waitress at a busy diner."

"Good things take time. Bad things take no time at all."

"The creek don't rise on your schedule."

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree — but sometimes it rolls."

"A man who won't stand for something will fall for anything."

"The same boiling water that hardens an egg softens a potato. It's all about what you're made of."

"Some folks are the reason we have warning labels."

"God made fools for practice before he made some people."

"There's no cure for stupid, but duct tape can muffle it."

"A closed mouth gathers no foot."

"He who talks the most knows the least."

"Family reunions are great — you leave feeling either blessed or warned."

"You go to the reunion thinking you’re the odd one. You leave knowing you’re the lucky one."

"The family reunion is where you find out the skeletons weren’t just in the closet — they were at the picnic table."

"Long range planning for that fella is checking the weather before he leaves the house."

"He's so old his birthday cake looks like a forest fire."

"His birth certificate is in Roman numerals."

"She's got a knot in her panties and nobody can figure out why."

"Well I swan — that's what old Southern ladies say when they're too polite to say what they're actually thinking."

"In the South, 'I'll be with you directly' means anywhere from two minutes to next Thursday."

"He's so country he makes me sound sophisticated — and that's saying something."

"Nervous as a prostitute in a church house."

"He has the IQ of a rock — and that's an insult to the rock."

"One of my buddies had a birthday cake, and after they lit the candles, the smoke detector kicked on."

"You couldn’t catch that guy in a closet."

"He could mess up a two-car funeral."

"God gave him a good heart — just ran a little short on the other end."

"She asked if the pants made her look big. He said the pants are fine, sweetheart — they’re doing all they can."

"Them britches ain’t stretching — they’re surrendering."

"Hossfly had two speeds — honest and sorry."

"That boy's long term thinking is whether to get fries or onion rings."

"Couldn’t pick his own brother out of a room full of women."

"Nervous as a prostitute in church."

"Closer than kinfolk at a will reading."

"On him like a cheap suit in July."

"Stuck to him like white on rice."

"Smiling like a possum eating briars."

"He could have a Twinkie for his birthday cake and have a lot left over."

"He’s so skinny he has to run around the shower to get wet."

"In case nobody told you — nobody is entitled to anything. You earn it."

"I went to the reunion skeptical and came home grateful — turns out I got the good end of the gene pool."

"Problems are a lot like bad relatives — everybody has them, but nobody talks about them."

"If silence were golden, that boy would be broke."

"He speaks first and thinks later — if at all."

"He talks so much he interrupts himself."

"Common sense is like deodorant — the people who need it most never use it."

"Common sense is the cheapest thing in the world to get — and apparently the hardest to find."

"If it moves and it shouldn’t — duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should — WD-40. That’s the complete Southern toolbox."

"She’s put up with me for 55 years. Either she’s a saint or she’s not paying attention. I’m not going to ask."

"Duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle it."

"If all you can do is gripe — don’t let the door knob hit you where the good Lord split you."

"She’s got two bulldogs fighting in the back of them britches."

"That man could block out the sun if he turned sideways."

"Went to the reunion worried about fitting in. Came home thanking God I stood out."

"Some days you just catch a case of the stupids. No vaccine, no cure — just time and embarrassment."

"Common sense and the stupids can’t be in the same room at the same time."

"They timed him with a calendar."

"They didn’t time him with a stopwatch — they used a sundial."

"The only workout those britches ever saw was trying to get into them."

"Those britches have seen more buffet than a truck driver."

"He was so slow he couldn’t run out of sight in a day."

"Those britches have seen more buffet than downward dog."

"Yoga pants stretched that far ought to come with a warning label."

"I was young enough to think I could rope the wind and dumb enough to try it."

"At nineteen I had all the answers. At sixty, I’m just grateful nobody was grading the test."

"He thought long division was somethin’ the preacher talked about when a marriage went bad."

"He thought footnotes were something podiatrists wrote."

"He thought Algebra was a country somewhere near Europe."

"Them yoga britches got stretch marks on them."

"She must not have a mirror."

"Either her mirror is broken or she’s got more confidence than sense."

"Confidence is a gift. A mirror is a tool. She skipped the tool."

"Some people dress for the body they want. She dressed for the body she thinks she has."

"Busy as a set of jumper cables at a redneck funeral."

"Busier than a mosquito at a nudist colony."

"Busier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."

"Busier than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs."

"She was so mean we asked her where she parked her broom."

"She could suck the joy out of a room faster than a Shop-Vac."

"She was such a cold person — she’d walk in a room and the heater would kick on."

"She was so mean she could have a Twinkie for her birthday cake and have plenty of it left over."

"I’m not saying Hossfly wasn’t real smart — but he thought Donkey Kong was a city in China."

"Hossfly’s been in a bad mood since birth. We figure he came out disagreeing with the doctor."

"I asked Hossfly if he had a family. He said yes — a boy and a dog. Said the boy is taller, but the dog is smarter."

"Hossfly said his wife has been in a bad mood since birth — and he’s pretty sure she came out that way on purpose."

"Constant complaining is not a personality. It’s a bad habit."

"Some things you can Google. Country wisdom and common sense ain’t two of them."

"He’s not slow — he just processes things at a very relaxed pace."

"They say he’s a deep thinker. I think he’s just lost."

"When in doubt — hug them. When not in doubt — hug them anyway."

"You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear."

"Don't spit in my face and call it dew."

"That'll make a rabbit hug a hound dog."

"That old boy ate like the National Guard was coming to repossess the food."

"He cleaned that plate like it insulted his mama."

"Ignorance is temporary. Stupid is a lifestyle choice."

"Every baby is beautiful to somebody. I'll just let that somebody be you."

"I'm not going to tell you that you have a pretty baby if you don't."

"Don't be disappointed your kid wasn't a good athlete when you never owned a jock."

"You don't enter a mule in a horse race and expect a trophy."

"My birth certificate says I'm old. My personality never got the memo."

"Getting old on the calendar is one thing. Acting old is a choice."

"They ask 'how are you doing?' They don't want a medical chart. They want 'fine' and a smile."

"Age happens to you. Attitude is something you decide."

"I've reached the age where 'happy hour' means a nap that doesn't get interrupted."

"Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work."

"It wasn't that I didn't know the answer. I didn't even know the question."

"Buckethead's barber asked him one day — seriously, what are you even trying to grow up to?"

"Buckethead's barber told him he was going to charge him for two haircuts on account of the size of his head."

"I called my buddy Fonz. He answered and immediately said — let me call you back, I lost my phone. I said — I think you just found it."

"My buddy Van never met a mirror he didn't like — or thought it didn't like him. I don't mean he's conceited, but I do think he's convinced!"

"The doctor asked my buddy Van if he drinks every day. Van said — I try."

"The doctor told Van he needed to watch his drinking, so he now drinks looking in a mirror."

"I called a friend of mine and he answered the phone and said — hey, can I call you back? I need to find my phone. I said — I think you did."

"I had an old buddy Hershel — said he quit buying cigarettes. He still smokes, he just doesn't buy 'em."

"A good buddy of mine told me his wife said don't come home drunk. He said — well, where do you want me to go?"

"A good buddy of mine told his wife he was going to play golf. She said don't come home drunk. He said — where do you want me to go?"

"It's so cold in here you could hang meat."

"Harry Dale said — I'm not saying I didn't say it. I'm just saying I shouldn't have said it."

"He folded like a cheap lawn chair."

"Buckled like a cardboard box in a rainstorm."

"We all want to make more money. Not all of us are willing to do what it takes to earn it."

"He got richer. He didn't get any more likeable — the meter's stuck on empty."

"Money changed his tax bracket. It didn't change a thing about how folks feel about him."

"Let's just say I don't think he ever graduated from Charm School."

"Not saying he wasn't liked — but they had to tie a pork chop around his neck before the dog would play with him."

"Words are like toothpaste — once they're out, there's no putting them back."

"You want to shear the sheep, not slit his throat. Make a profit — don't destroy the customer."

"Pigs get fed. Hogs get slaughtered. Don't be a hog."

"He's the kind of guy who's not going to tell you that you have a pretty baby — if you don't."

"He's about as subtle as a bull in a china shop."

"He could kill a party faster than the cops showing up."

"At least Jesse James used a gun. This place just hands you the bill and smiles."

"You can apologize for what you said. You can't unsay it."

"I don't want this journey to end. But when it does, I hope everyone says — let her rip, tater chip."

"A country boy's idea of fast food is something he just shot."

"There's two kinds of Texans — those who like Whataburger and liars."

"Everything's bigger in Texas — including the excuses."

"Texas has two seasons: summer and January."

"She's tougher than a two-dollar steak and sweeter than sweet tea, all at the same time."

"I know exactly where I'm going. Just don't ask me where I parked."

"I've got an idea for fancy schools — why don't you create a degree in Social Engineering? Somebody's got to teach the nerd herd how to talk to a human instead of a robot."

"Just because you've got all that smarts doesn't mean you can't laugh, enjoy your job, or crack a smile between algorithms."

"It's really true — they know everything except manners and respect. That's a foreign language to a lot of them."

"Old people think 'the cloud' is weather. Young people think a filing cabinet is a museum piece."

"Old people trust a firm handshake. Young people trust a secure Wi-Fi signal."

"Old people write memos. Young people write memes. Somehow they're both trying to say the same thing."

"It's like old folks trying to teach young people the jitterbug, and young folks trying to explain what makes an NVIDIA chip so special."

"He knows a little about everything and a lot about nothing."

"The good Lord gave us two ends — one to think with and one to sit on. Success depends on which one you use most."

"A good buddy of mine told his wife he was going to play golf. She said don't come home smelling like beer, He said - where do you want me to go?"

"A little suffering in silence isn't stoic. It's just good manners."

"A sophisticated fella asked Buckshot what he did for a living. He said part-time go-cart mechanic and full-time door-to-door belly dancer."

"A Texas summer has two seasons: hot and hotter."

"At my age, getting lucky means finding my car in the parking lot"

"Bear had a great idea one night in college - streak Denny's. His plan was simple: run through, fly past the counter, and out the side door. What he didn't know was that the side door was a fire exit. Only opens when the fire alarm goes off. It did not go off. Bear said, 'In case you didn't know - when you're the only person in a restaurant without clothes on, things get a little different.' He stood there for a good while. The next day in class, everybody was calling him Shorty. He said that was some of the most important information he ever learned - just a little too late."

"My buddy Bear, told me I was as Smooth as A Gravy Sandwich"

"Buckethead announced he finally beat anorexia."

"Buckethead barber started charging him double the cost of a hair cut because of the size of his head"

"Buckethead's barber asked him one day - seriously, what are you trying to get your weight up to?"

"Buckshot had a new leather belt with a big buckle that said "BUCKSH." I asked where the OT was. He said it was 50 cents a letter."

"Buckshot plays golf about as much as he goes to the Opera."

"Buckshot said Algebra was harder than a box full of jawbreakers."

"Buckshot said his cousin was too lazy to steal."

"Buckshot said if he had a brother in prison and one in New York City, he'd try to get the one in New York out first."

"Buckshot said if you don't like Chicken Fried Steak, puppies, and George Strait - you're a communist."

"Buckshot went to New York City and said "he stood out like a diamond in a goat's ass."

"Earl's wife Regina told him after he twisted off one night that he was going to hell if he didn't change his ways. Earl smartmouthed back - "At least I'll know a lot of people."

"Everyone likes change - as long as they don't have to do it."

"Its a lot better to be seen, than being viewed"

"Harry Dale bought Joanie an early birthday present and wanted to hide it somewhere she would never look - so he put it in the oven. Three months later they were singing Happy Birthday to Joanie."

"Harry Dale finally gave in to the dentist calling him about working on teeth- finally he said ok, what day you want me to drop my teeth off to you?"

"Hossfly thought Algebra was a country somewhere in Europe."

"Hossfly thought OPEC was a country."

"Herodale finally gave in to the dentist calling him and said - what day you want me to drop my teeth off to you?"

"Hossfly always said - hard work never killed anybody. But why take the chance?"

"Hossfly said his brother thought OPEC was a country"

"I asked Bear how he was doing. He said - quiet as a gnat peeing on a cotton ball."

"I asked Buckshot if he liked to dance. He said he had more moves than a clock."

"I asked my buddy Bear if something was hard. He said - hard as giving birth to an elephant."

"Gripe, Gripe that is all she did, so one day I ask her where she parked her broom. She didn’t think it was funny, but I did"

"I can't help becoming an old man - but I can help from becoming a griping old man."

"I had one goal in life - don't die young. Check one off."

"J.W. thought the National Honor Society was part of English Royalty.-"

"Hossfly told me he told his wife, now when look, its not like either one of us hit the lottery with this marriage."

"If you ever feel underdressed going into a Walmart - you really are a fashion icon."

"If you took sick and went to the hospital, the food patrol starts dropping off deviled eggs, casseroles, and if you really have big money - they send a ham. Nobody stopped to think the patient might have had stomach surgery."

"Fu story"

"In the south, 'bless your heart' can mean anything from 'I love you' to 'you poor stupid thing' - and only the tone knows which."

"McGurk was a legend in his own right. Word was his ACT score was the lowest ever recorded at the school. Nobody confirmed it. Nobody denied it. And McGurk never seemed troubled by it one bit."

"My buddy Bear said, "I was smooth as a gravy sandwich."

"My buddy Buckshot said the only difference between being a Boy Scout and being in the National Guard is that the Boy Scouts have adult leaders."

"My buddy Riley has a friend they call Salutatorian. I said he must be smart. Riley said - not really, he was ranked second in his class. There were only two people in the class."

"My friend Earl was always the romantic kind of fella. He bought his wife a new ceiling fan for their 16th anniversary. Knows what a woman wants and needs."

"My friend Van said his doctor told him to watch his drinking. So now he does it in front of a mirror."

"Jimmy D was so lazy he couldn't wear a self-winding watch."

"Old friends are like comfortable shoes - you don't have to explain yourself and nothing needs breaking in."

"Talk about quick, he was quick as Hiccup"

"She asked if the pants made her butt look big. He said you might want to go easy on those pants, they are doing all they can."

"So hungry I could eat the sock off a Russian foot soldier"

"Some men have a napkin. Buckshot had a shirt."

"Stupid is a choice."

"He doesn't have a receding hairline - he has a retreating one."

"My friend Lonny P eats like he's going to the electric chair in the morning."

"Lets be honest, he is bad to lie"

"Smart, she is smarter than a tree full of owls."

"Dewayne was lost as an egg at last year's Easter egg hunt."

"That horses been rode hard and put away wet."

"That' meal will make a rabbit hug a hound dog."

"The great thing about getting old - you get to meet new friends every day."

"The kind of person that when you ask his name - it stumps him."

"I asked Hossfly about his family, he said he has a boy and a dog - the boy is taller, but the dog is smarter."

"The sun don't shine on the same dog's ass all day long- all things change"

"Lot of people say he's a deep thinker. Honestly I think he's just lost."

"This lady I worked with years ago has been a bad mood since birth"

"they were so poor, they couldn't even afford to pay attention."

"You can't make silk out of a sow's ear."

"Quick, You couldn't catch that guy in a closet."

"He couldn't lead a silent prayer."

"He has the IQ of a brick."

"He doesn't know "sic 'em" from "come here.""

"He's as tight as bark on a tree."

"He's so tight he squeaks when he walks."

"It's as dark as the inside of a cow."

"About as sharp as a marble."

"Dumb as a bucket of hair."

"He couldn't spell AI if you gave him the A."

"Just because you can get your foot in a yoga pant doesn't mean you can wear them."

"That old boy is smarter than a tree full of owls."

"Sometimes you see how people are dressed and it becomes obvious they don't have a mirror at home."

"Joanie asked Harry Dale what he was going to do today. He said "nothing." She said that's what you said yesterday. He said, "I still didn't finish.""

"Harry Dale said the best thing Joanie makes is reservations."

"You would rather stick hot butter up a wildcat's butt than mess with me."

"I am so happy and proud I am strutting around like a peacock with two tails."

"It's the best thing since floating soap."

"The older I get, the better I was."

"If you're behind a horse in the drive-through lane at Dairy Queen — you might be in Texas."

"The sun don't shine on the same dog's butt all day long."